For the past weeks since I went home, I have repeatedly said I did not feel God. And that I do not understand how I feel. It was like an empty space. Annihilated? Sort of. There was nothing. But my thoughts were still remembering the God I used to serve. I remembered the time I traded my life to become a better person. I watched videos of me and my friends from the church. I gathered videos on Youtube that speaks of His goodness and my worth. I went to watch concert of a worship band (encsmusic & Citipointe). And I started praying. I listened to worship songs while praying.
I know myself. I am that type who would rather slip away than be in trouble, that type who chooses to be silent and just wander like nothing happened. But God knows me more than anyone in this world. And I know He was just looking at me struggling with my unknown emotion. This is the time when “I am lost” line is very familiar.
The verse from Matthew 28:19-20 was just popping around – in books, videos, conversations, church sermons and everywhere. This verse came so alive to me while I was reading a book in January this year. That was that season of seeking God’s guidance for the future. I shivered when I read the verse. It did not only reminded me that I was made to be His servant but He promised that whatever I am going through, wherever it will be, He will be with me always.
Just in time, a pastor said “I can see God embracing you. He is saying “I want you to feel me too, heart to heart”.
It started to soften my hardened heart. The songs I listened to made it softer than any marshmallow. There is one song from All The Way album of Encsmusic that really moved me and made me feel God again. Who will go, that is the title. I felt that it was God singing, asking me who will do it for Him. I am just one of the many, with little faith and my not-so-great ability, God knows I am able as He is the one who made me.
One thing I realized, being lost and found (again). He owns me. I am His. No matter how far I drift away, He will find me.
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